Kierkegaard

Faith is precisely this paradox, that the individual as the particular is higher than the universal, is justified over against it, is not subordinate but superior -- yet in such a way, be it observed, that it is the particular individual who, after he has been subordinated as the particular to the universal, now through the universal becomes the individual who as the particular is superior to the universal, for the fact that the individual as the particular stands in an absolute relation to the absolute. This position cannot be mediated, for all mediation comes about precisely by virtue of the universal; it is and remains to all eternity a paradox, inaccessible to thought. And yet faith is this paradox -- or else (these are the logical deductions which I would beg the reader to have in mente at every point, though it would be too prolix for me to reiterate them on every occasion) -- or else there never has been faith . . .precisely because it always has been. In other words, Abraham is lost.

-Fear and Trembling

Today's Tune

Joel Plaskett- Until You Came Along

True love is sharper than stones and sticks
Louder than bombs and clocks that tick
I feel as deep as the ocean blue
When I'm standing here with you
And the world keeps spinning faster
What am I to do in the face of a disaster?
I've been here before but I don't know what comes after
The night's a lonely place to be
When the lights go out I want you here with me

When I could not trust myself
I put my trust in someone else
But she led me astray and then she went away
All my lessons learned after all my bridges burned
Everything felt wrong until you came along

It's quicker than sand
It's thicker than blood
It's like the slight of the hand
The stick in the mud
It's as deep as the ocean blue
What am I supposed to do when all the fire's gone?
How do you want me to play along?
I know it's true
Somewhere we went wrong
The night's a lonely place to be
When the light's go out
I want some company

New Chapter

Moving on. Time for a new chapter.
I said goodbye to my past, and I sewed it shut.
I'm excited for this new adventure!

The earth is not a cold dead place

So umm, I sort of have a partner again.
It was rather unexpected.
I am feeling very giddy.
So much so, that I am going to vomit.
brb.

Kierkegaard

You have to start the revolution somewhere. You just have to close your eyes and jump.
that's the only way I started. I thought about doing it for years, but it took me jumping, eyes closed, into the abyss. Granola left and I could either jump or drown, so I jumped, and I haven't looked back. It's a leap of faith, but it's worth it.

Da Capo!
Da Capo!
Dance!

Hrmmm

So, about 10 years of thinking I am allergic to alcohol was shattered last night.
I tried apple cider.
Alcohol, but no WHEAT.
And, happily drunk, I puttered around, listened to the mouldy peaches, and spooned.
What a great night.

But TEN YEARS OF WASTED SOCIAL LIFE!!!!!
WOE!! WOE!!

Today's Tune

the mouldy peaches - nothing came out

Just because I don't say anything
Doesn't mean I don't like you
I open my mouth and I try and I try
But no words came out

Without 40 ounces of social skills
I'm just an ass in the crack of humanity
I'm just a huge manatee
A huge manatee

And besides, you're probably holding hands
With some skinny, pretty girl
That likes to talk about bands
And all I want to do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons

DuckTales, Shirt-Tails, TaleSpin, Sailor Moon
GI Joe, Robotech, Ron Jeremy, Shmoo

I want to watch cartoons with you
Josie and the Pussycats and Scooby-Doo
I want you to watch cartoons with me
He-man, Voltron, and Hong Kong Phooey

I tried to ask you to your face
But no words came out
Put on my hood and walked away
That doesn't mean I don't like you

And besides you're probably holding hands
With some skinny pretty girl
That likes to talk about bands
And all I want to do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and maybe spoon

Just because I don't say anything
Doesn't mean I don't like you, no
I opened my mouth and I tried and I tried
And besides, you're probably holding hands
With some skinny pretty girl
That likes to talk about bands
And all I want to do is ride bikes with you
And stay up late and watch cartoons

I'm just your average Thundercats ho!

The Keynote is basically God himself....

Mosaic, a journal for the interdisciplinary study of literature

CALL FOR PAPERS

AN INTERNATIONAL INTERDISCIPLINARY CONFERENCE

FREUD AFTER DERRIDA

October 6-9, 2010

The University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Canada

KEYNOTE SPEAKERS

David Farrell Krell, Anthony Vidler, Samuel Weber, David Wills, Sarah Wood

Proposals are invited for presentations that engage Freud’s work as it continues to inform and provoke research and discussion across the disciplines (e. g., architecture, film, history, literature, philosophy, religion, science), and particularly, as it opens through and “after Derrida.” We welcome consideration of such topics as: temporality, space, technics, responsibility, animality, embodiment, memory, dream, writing, the uncanny, life, death, desire, repetition, law, sovereignty, sexuality, silence, mourning, testimony, the unconscious, repression, identity, family.

Proposals should include the following: a title and an abstract of 450-500 words, author’s name, brief cv, institutional affiliation, complete contact information, and email address.

Graduate students presenting a paper at the conference may be eligible for a travel grant. Those intending to apply for a travel grant should enclose a covering letter with their abstract detailing anticipated travel costs for the conference.

Deadline for submission of proposals: September 8, 2009.

For information, see the Mosaic website at: www.umanitoba.ca/mosaic. A conference website will be available (and linked to the Mosaic website) by summer 2009.

Electronic submissions preferred (Rich Text Format). Please direct enquiries and proposals to: mosaconf@cc.umanitoba.ca. Or, by regular mail, please send to:

Freud After Derrida Conference
c/o Dr. Dawne McCance, Editor
Mosaic, a journal for the interdisciplinary study of literature
University of Manitoba
208 Tier Building
Winnipeg, Manitoba, R3T 2N2, Canada

Today's tune

What a good night.
Hanging out with Cin, smoking way too much tobacco and cigarettes (I NEED to stop smoking), drinking, debauchery, then off to the bike shop to fix up a trailer to carry stuff to the art show tomorrow. I am now super-duper-badass. Even travel buddy hasn't carried a trailer. Oh Yeah. I felt totally comfortable with it, and SO self-sufficient now! I don't need a car, or a man with a car, or man in a taxi. I just have me and my bike, doing it all ourselves. I'm super proud of that.

Then I made a great new friend, and had amazing amazing sex. Yes, it is a good day. And now time to fall contentedly into sleep, before selling art all day tomorrow and flirting with a cute painter.

I was talking to Cin today about how GOOD life is. Two years ago I was ready and trying to give up, but now I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am SO happy. So incredibly happy to be alive and be where I am. And who I am. I really like me these days. And I lost another 2 inches in San Fran, and am feeling so hot and thin and trim. Before fall I want to lose another 10 lbs, and really start to rock out the hotness. Ha Za!

A much better day. Confidence is back up. My travel buddy fixed my bike for me today, which was the NICEST THING EVER. I am very very happy to have brakes again, and to have such a wonderful friend.

I sold jewellery all day today. I made about $200, which is great. A long HOT day though, outside in the heat all day on my feet. I am dreading tomorrow, as it will be even hotter, longer, and MUCH busier. My Magpie theory holds, and people swarm to buy small shiny things. AT this point all I want is salad, cold shower, and iced green tea. Instead I will make a bunch more magnets and some custom orders, and collapse into bed. Post shower.

But I am feeling really really good. Confidence is soaring, and I am learning how to talk to people. It's getting easier and easier to slip into the high-fiving, outgoing "howdy buddy" Ali. I'm just trying to personify "dyke", and it seems to be coming through, because I feel outgoing, cheerful and fun. I met some REALLY cool new friends today. A really really neat guy who paints ROBOTS and a cool chick who paints avocadoes... By the time the weekend is thru I will likely own a zombie-robot painting. Ha-Za.

Travel buddy is talking to his friend today- the cute one who might be "intrigued" by me. Very stoked. I'm happy to be set up at this point. I need a new lover, and a crush might be nice too!

I got my second tat compliment today! It's SO EXCITING when someone says "wow, nice tat!" I feel like a million bucks

Cat attacking. Can't. Type. Egads.

you know what? Fuck it. Fuck that last post.
Those were the worries of the old Ali. Not the Nietzschean Ali. Those were the fears of a girl who lets things happen to her, and only gets laid when a boy is desperate enough to submit to the emotional hostage taking of a girl's suffocating heart. A lameass girl who never goes out and ASKS for what she wants. A stupid creature who thinks that some man will be her whole world, and so never thinks or lives just for herself. Fuck that shit. I'm not that timid little girl anymore. I am a strong woman who can take pleasure where and how she wants it.

Fuck rejection.

I'm just going to find a new lover. To hell with you.

Rejection

I think the worst feeling in the entire world is rejection. When you get up the balls and the guts to suggest something, and the other person rejects you, it's the most painful thing in the world. When it's sex, it's even worse. I've been sleeping with this girl, and when I asked her today if she wanted to hook up, and she was like "umm..." and just left it at that... it was the most painful silence. That implicit rejection... and then she was like "but you said you have arts and crafts stuff to do." And I was like "YES! I LIED TO YOU BECAUSE YOU REJECTED ME TO MY FACE, and I had to salvage some tiny element of my pride. Because you just crushed it AGAIN and AGAIN. And I really really need to stop sleeping with you, because you continually reject my clumsy, timid little advances, and it is CRUSHING my ego."

Actually, I just smiled and didn't say any of that.

I don't give a shit if she sleeps with other people. I don't care who she has crushes on, or wants to date, or does date. I don't care if she sleeps with my best friend, or marries my sister. I DO NOT CARE. Sex is just sex, and I'm not emotionally crushing on this person. I'm not in love. I don't want to date them. But to reject me, physically? That shit hurts. That I cannot bear.

Rejection. It's almost impossible to bear. So many times I flash back to Granola and his "I love you but I just don't find you attractive at all..." or how he would look the other way when I undressed. Or I would initiate something and he would roll over. Or the totally inappropriate trades guy I dated before that, who was the most a-sexual person ever... and would be all "oh, I didn't know you wanted THAT kind of attention." OR every god damn 30 year old virgin, or fucked up religious nutjob before, all of whom had massive issues around sex. This progression of religious/asexual/baggage-laden people is doing some serious harm to my ego. Is it just me? Was the monster right? IS it all my fault? How can I want something that hurt so bad... and how can I STILL want it after years of so much rejection?

I KNOW this is a constant theme for me. A constant, continuous theme through every lover I have had. I have this insane thing inside of me called a "sex drive", and no one else seems to share it. Am I really just broken and terrible inside?

I don't want to believe that. I think that it's ok to want to have sex, and it's even more ok to have sex with someone you like, and care about, even if that care is platonic. I KNOW that the monster was wrong, and I am not sinful and broken and evil and all of those other terrible things. BUT the trick is to find someone who isn't all messed up, and has a healthy, normal sex drive.

The problem is that for a woman to be like this is considered "lustful", and hence wrong. I can't come out and say how much I like sex, because I'll be called a tramp. (BTW, this has taken me a long time to FIGURE OUT. I was doing it wrong, both with the wrong gender, and with emotions attached. Once you remove those two things, sex is great.) But to offer sex to someone else, and have them say NOTHING, as if you were not even attractive enough to consider? That hurts. A lot.

And there, my friends, is my own little shopping cart of baggage, all laid out before you. I can't stand rejection. And rejection when it comes to sex hits on a whole HOST of baggage and issues that I can't quite escape.

I wonder if this is how Nietzsche felt when he propsed to Lou and she ran off with Paul Ree? REjected? Broken? Totally worthless because he had the guts to open up his heart and offer it, and she turned him down?

A buddy is offering to hook me up with a friend of his. And I'm really into this friend, but also not even wanting to try it, for fear of being rejected AGAIN. But then the new Ali tells the old Ali that theses are silly fears of someone that I no longer am. I'm now strong and adveturous enough to do all these things, and not let the rejection get to me.

So why does it still hurt so much?

The Meaning of Life

Bark was right.
All of life, all that we do, is only about sex, and finding someone to love.
That is all we seek. Love. Someone to put ourselves into, so that we do not have to face ourselves.

It's such a disappointing truth.

--

But this isn’t

what I meant to tell you either. What I wanted

was the walking, not the walking-to but

the not-getting-there, the every moment

started out, the every moment

being lifted in an arc against the moment of arrival: the anticipation

is terrific, yet always nothing

happens when I’m there- so

not even this, but the ungraspableness

of knowing, the inarticulateness of

that flexed second above the keys,

of how we translated,

that held breath

between the future and the past that’s neither, but is still

the only place we’ll ever be arriving

to, the only place it’s possible

we are.

...

Yesterday,

on the radio, Bruckner’s Second, clearing up the stuff from lunch

and there it was: the image of existence

being wrung out like a dishcloth in those chords, that

torqued crazy counterpoint, the name

of something language wants but cannot find the words

to say, that mash of semitones

the echo of the pressure from the other side,

the everything that what is isn’t, it’s bring

the outline of the movement

of the hands above the keys- I think of Bruckner

walking that knife edge

singing, and I am inclined

to meet my class in rags, I am inclined

to break down in the street,

to wish for hurricanes,

I am inclined to write my friends on placemats from the Chinese take-out,

to tell someone, anyone, what I really think.

So we might begin.

...

For that is what

The world has been: not

what we thought.

Kant, Hegel, Heidegger,

the ghosts of Descartes- thinking

we are being’s origin

is trying to become

its end. Bruckner was right: the world

is always letting go, it is

the moment of the hands above the keys,

the silence of beginning.

...

--

Knowledge kills action; action requires the veils of illusion: that is the doctrine of Hamlet, not that cheap wisdom of Jack the Dreamer who reflects too much and, as it were, from an excess of possibilities does not get around to action. Not reflection, no- true knowledge, an insight into the horrible truth outweighs any motive for action, both in Hamlet and in the Dionysian man. Now no comfort avails any more…Conscious of the truth he has once seen, man now sees everywhere only the horror or absurdity of existence; now he understands…he is nauseated.

Coming down off my travel high.
Sheila said I was "inspiring" to be around. That's how I've felt for two weeks. But coming home to the same sheets, laundry, and dirty carpets is hard to manage. It's hard to remain flying when the life you come back to is so mundane.

I am having a hard time not slipping back into my same old comfortable melancholy.
Also having a hard time being alone. It's difficult to spend two weeks solidly with another person, and then have them say "I don't want to see you for a week". I don't love him, and certainly don't have a crush on him, but the companionship was so delightful. It made me remember what it was like with Granola, having that constant, assured companion. And it's hard now, with travel buddy. I keep seeing things and wanting to point them out. Again, not out of crush, but out of simple friendship. I haven't had a really close friend in a long time, and I miss that.

Went out with a girl today. I'm so unsure... I think we are just friends, and I have no idea what I want. Actually, I know exactly what I want : to pick a girl up and push her against the lamppost, and make out in the pouring rain. But I don't think I want that with THIS particular girl. But I wanted that in general, so it was hard to focus. There was a pretty girl working at the cafe who made me all gooey eyed, and that was enjoyable.

Reading a delicious book. "The Angel's Game". Same author as the Shadow of the Wind. Both are slightly too gothic for me, but are ardent bibliomysteries, which makes me oh so happy. In my mental euphoria of the past week, I have started writing again, poetry mostly, but my novel is surfacing on my mind... it's pushing at my consciousness, begging to be written. I may be in a healthy enough place, now, finally, to attempt it.

Also, completely and 100% drug free. The AD's are GONE for over a week now! I can't believe how many FEELINGS I am having. And the crazy things my body can EXPERIENCE! I was silly enough to go off them BEFORE getting the tat, which meant I could experience pain, and probably wasn't hte best idea... but at the same time, it was SO GOOD to claim that pain, and that experience. And say I am going to FEEL this, to make it mine. To mark it and take it and claim it as my own transformation.

Been listening to Joel Plaskett all day. He makes me so incredibly sad, and miss travelling so much.

Two weeks
Two weeks of soulfulness. Awakeness. Regeneration.

Today, upon my return, I sewed my diary closed. All of those years. All of that pain. I drilled holes through it, and sewed it closed with black lace. That time is closed. The monster is gone and behind me. That pain, that G-d, those memories. All of it is now sewn shut.

I begin anew. Dancing.

Mine

Hers...

All this time spent waking up!

I'm going to San Francisco.
On Thursday.
As in, two days.
I booked the flight at about 3pm today.
and now, I think I might be becoming the kind of person who does things that scare them. Two weeks. No plans. Just another city in another country. A friend from the bike shop is going, and said he wished I could come. So I did. I think he was sort of surprised, but what the hell, I just want to go have adventures, do new things, and see where it takes me.

I'm excited to get to know my travel buddy. He's an awesome guy. I'll end up with a wicked friend, tons of great memories, and a hell of a vacation.

I feel like it's finally spring time in my tiny old soul. This shriveled, wrinkled, terrified thing is finally blossoming and opening up to being alive- to trying new things. It is spring time in my soul. I'm waking up!!

I made the most amazing Nietzsche break through last night! I was smoking pot and being sort of grumpy, and then I started thinking about time and its structure, and Nietzsche, and the dwarf.... particularly this:

The greatest weight.-- What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence - even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!"
Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?... Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

Nietzsche The Gay Science, s.341

and I REALIZED that the illusion to time is a reference to MODERNITY, and it's linear structure. Nietzsche is saying that time isn't straight, all truth is crooked. And thus we don't have this whiggish, linear bullshit structure where we constantly think only baout improving for TOMORRROW, and being better for heaven. Rather, we are living NOW, and thus moment is all we will ever have, eternally. And every moment will be just a moment like this. There is no great tomorrow, no heaven, no "arrival". Instead "every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence".

And at that point I had a braingasm and fell asleep.

High and grumpy. This totally inappropriate person for me was supposed to call tonight, and didn't. And we flirted all day, but I am feeling stupid and lame and not at all pleasant. They didn't call, and I feel dumb for ever hoping. Of COURSE they aren't into me. I should not be worried about it, and should DEFINITELY not be wasting my time.
NOT WASTING MY TIME!

Going to get high, eat cheese and drink O.J from the carton.

So, I met someone I sort of like, and I'm feeling the first flitterings of romance. And I am DREADING it. It is NOT good at all. the last thing I need right now is someone to focus on besides myself and all the delightful/incredibly difficult growth I am experiencing. I feel like falling into a romance would be such a cop-out.

This person is very sweet and nice and kind, but we are ultimately totally different people, and I don't know if I want to risk breaking my heart when I know it wouldn't work out.

But i can feel the beginnings of a crush, and it scares me.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”
-Nietzsche

And then:

One must learn to love oneself with a wholesome and healthy love, so that one can bear to be with oneself and need not roam. -Nietzsche

And that's the thing. Everyone I fall for is a wanderer. A roamer. I am indeed one of these homeless ones... but I crave a home. I'm looking for the place, physical or mental, where I belong. And I feel that to try to find that in a person (ie through love) is going to end badly, because everyone I date is another wanderer. There's a REASON every partner I have has run off to asia to "find themselves". Every. damn. one. There's a REASON for this, and it isn't my cooking. You can't find a home in another wanderer ,and you can't find yourself in someone else. And i know that I'll try to do that, and I KNOW that this person I feel all aflitter for is a wanderer..... and thus hopeless cause.

nightly Nietzsche

The greatest weight.-- What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: "This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence - even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!"
Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?... Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?

Nietzsche The Gay Science, s.341

I am not a systematizer.
I detest systems. I don't think that way. My mind is like a melody, it flows, alters, changes. When I write, I create music. And I love to use ideas to create this melody... but to me, to force thought into rigid and unnatural shapes seems pedantic. To define liberalism is redundant. To explain what liberty is seems silly. I KNOW what it is, YOU KNOW what it is. Let's talk about something more important. I keep writing papers for my prof, and he keeps wanting less analysis and more and more simple pedantry. So I wrote exactly what he asked for, using his suggested topics and outline. I followed the outline to a T. And then he criticized me for using those concepts he suggested I use, and instead said he wanted analysis!!!! But last time he wanted no analysis, and just the outline.

I have no idea what he wants from me. I can't figure out how this system works, or what the point of it is! Are we really all just sitting around defining liberalism? Because that is really really stupid. I don't want to be in a department that spends all of it's time saying patently obvious things that no one needs to say again.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

skrehmani Neil Gaiman quotes